What Have I Done
I keep changing my life in what I consider to be rather drastic measures and
yet I find myself in familiar places in new geographical locations. I can't
describe precisely what it is that I feel but it is some kind of malaise or as
the French would say ennui. Its not that I am not capable of living my life but almost that I choose not to and instead choose a life of inaction and sloth that leave me full of regret and bad memories.
There are many ways to change one's life through various dedications to new philosophies, religion, diets, partners, locals etc. The one thing I can tell you for sure is that none of those ideas and actions is going to change who you are. It's still the same old me from yesterday you wind up with tomorrow. I stole that line from a movie but I find that it fits perfectly here into these thoughts that I am having at this moment. I can think that I am going to change and I can actually change for some period of time but I find myself repeating the same ridiculous acts that got me to where I couldn't stand it anymore.
Options are plentiful and even support and help have been provided to me many times as I have embarked upon life changing journeys like the one I am on currently. Motivation and passion are what I lack and I have found those qualities hard to come by when things aren't going my way. Perhaps my manic nature is partially to blame as my emotional state of mind rises and falls like the tide.
Meditation, exercise, college, temp jobs, girlfriends, drugs, alcohol, all these things were supposed to help me feel better but I either don't follow through or become dependant upon whichever I choose. I realize that most essays are just a reiteration of the same point many different ways and perhaps the title is all that is necessary. However, I find that writing out my thoughts soothing in the way it allows me to focus on my current state of mind. Like I am finally putting into coherent thought (if you find these ramblings coherent) what I obsess about it my head on a constant basis in an unproductive and depressing manner. Life is life and there is nothing you can do but if I didn't even try to understand it, even if I don't seem to try to succeed at it (whatever that means), that I am giving up. And no matter how bad things have gotten or how bad they seem these perhaps are just pointless worries of little consequence to no one other than I.
There are many ways to change one's life through various dedications to new philosophies, religion, diets, partners, locals etc. The one thing I can tell you for sure is that none of those ideas and actions is going to change who you are. It's still the same old me from yesterday you wind up with tomorrow. I stole that line from a movie but I find that it fits perfectly here into these thoughts that I am having at this moment. I can think that I am going to change and I can actually change for some period of time but I find myself repeating the same ridiculous acts that got me to where I couldn't stand it anymore.
Options are plentiful and even support and help have been provided to me many times as I have embarked upon life changing journeys like the one I am on currently. Motivation and passion are what I lack and I have found those qualities hard to come by when things aren't going my way. Perhaps my manic nature is partially to blame as my emotional state of mind rises and falls like the tide.
Meditation, exercise, college, temp jobs, girlfriends, drugs, alcohol, all these things were supposed to help me feel better but I either don't follow through or become dependant upon whichever I choose. I realize that most essays are just a reiteration of the same point many different ways and perhaps the title is all that is necessary. However, I find that writing out my thoughts soothing in the way it allows me to focus on my current state of mind. Like I am finally putting into coherent thought (if you find these ramblings coherent) what I obsess about it my head on a constant basis in an unproductive and depressing manner. Life is life and there is nothing you can do but if I didn't even try to understand it, even if I don't seem to try to succeed at it (whatever that means), that I am giving up. And no matter how bad things have gotten or how bad they seem these perhaps are just pointless worries of little consequence to no one other than I.